Finding Peace

Cadrian is the kind of friend who's going to step in as 'mom' when you need it. I know, I know, Cadrian, you want nothing to do with that word. But it's true. She gets it from her mom, Candace. Cadrian offered her bed, a shoulder to cry on, an entire box of kleenex, and apple cider cocktails on Wednesday night. I woke up at 5:00 on Thursday morning to the ringtone of Katelyn's voice saying "gooooooooooose, goose" It was Katelyn calling, checking to see if I was home in NE yet. I wasn't. I decided on waiting until the funeral to come home. I know Alicia's family needs space, and time to find peace. I needed it too.

I know sitting inside wasn't going to be good for me, so I decided to join Wild Bill on a dog walk. I'm still getting to know his dogs, and he's been having me meet him at Crissy Field for the past few days. Mona & Soozy like being in a pack again. Sooz has made new friends. Mona keeps her distance but seems happy just to be out with us. Bill was planning on having me start walking dogs on my own, on Monday. The funeral is on Monday. I hope to catch a flight Saturday night and stay through Tuesday. If it doesn't work out with Bill because of my absence, then that's what is meant to be, and I'm okay with that.

The light was heavenly yesterday. I decided to call Morgan to see if he wanted to do pictures. Morgan is another dog walker I've known for a while. We ran into each other last week and he asked if I'd do photography for his new website. I wanted to keep my mind busy with something instead of just sitting somewhere, since I had nothing else going on the rest of the day. Like I said, the light was a photographer's dream. Just enough clouds in the sky to diffuse the harsh shadows & highlights, but just enough sun to make everything look like it was glowing. Morgan is tall, tan, has shoulder-length sandy blonde hair, and is such a surfer-dude, although he hasn't surfed in a while. He said he hates it when people say they don't have time for something they've been meaning to do. So instead, he said he hasn't made time for surfing.

After the shoot, Morgan left to go get his last group of dogs for the day. I told him I'd stay and wait for his next group. The group we just worked with were mostly old-timers and I wanted some more active dogs to shoot down on the beach. After Morgan left, I went down to the beach by myself.

I was happy to be alone. I hadn't had time to be alone with Alicia yet. I remember seeing pictures on her facebook of the beach with the caption "future home" at the bottom. I know how bad she wanted to make it out to California. We had talked about that on the trip to Kansas City. She wanted to wait at least another year or so until she'd saved up more money. She was so impressed that April (her best friend from childhood) had dropped everything and moved out there a few years ago with no job lined up. She said she wished she had the guts to do the same.

I sat on the sand, the part that was firm from the water washing onto it. My butt was wet. I didn't care. I watched the waves roll in and out. The sky was a dark blue with it's clouds bright white, the water a teal green, and the Golden Gate bridge seems to be glowing. I left my sandals in the sand back by the parking lot. The sand was warm on my feet. It was chilly, yet I was comfortable with only a half-sleeved sweatshirt. A seagull flew over me, hovering for a moment. The dogs were calm around me. It was just Mona & Sooz. A few dog walkers passed, but most of the time it was just us.

I had my camera with me, since I was waiting for Morgan to return for the second half of our shoot. I began playing with my dogs and taking pictures of them. A fly crawled on my hand then down to my camera. Instead of shoeing it away, I let it just be there. For that hour on the beach alone with my dogs, I felt an extreme amount of peace and joy, probably more so than I've ever felt before. Time seemed to stop, and I was just there, taking everything in. Everything about that moment was perfect, and I wasn't thinking about anything, expect for how utterly happy I felt.

Then it hit me, this moment, everything about it, was God. The light, the water, the sand, the bridge, the seagull, my dogs, the air, the fly on my hand, and the pure joy & peace I felt- was God. I knew, undoubtedly, with all my heart, that Alicia was with me for that hour on the beach. She had come to California to say goodbye.